Mama’s hero week

Dear Js,

The letter today will be mostly about mama. I know, what a relief, right? Yea yea, I get tired of me too.

Anyway, we pulled you from your daycare ~2 weeks ago. Mama wanted you home before your new school started to have time to sync your schedule. You start this coming Tuesday.

In the first days being home, you three had a rough time adjusting to life with all three together. I imagine it’s different from school. They herd you like animals there, and there’s a stricter chain of authority. So I think the biggest reasons for head bashing early on was that you were excited to be home and you didn’t know what to do with yourself. And you were also surprised to discover that being home means more than getting to be with mama — it also meant sharing mama with your sister, who needs mama more than you.

Meanwhile, it was tough for mama because now there are two of you and she is still one mama. Two wills to wrestle. Two mouths to feed. Two potty times, two nap times…

So both of you had to work things out, figure out how to live together and get used to the new schedule. Mama was close to throwing in the towel on the first day. You wouldn’t go to sleep, and if j tried to sleep you’d jump in bed and shout to wake her up. Mama wanted to break her diet and cry into a bag of chips and a tub of ice cream. But she held it together. Even though no one napped. I’d come home to a battered mama and two loopy kids with hair-trigger tantrums.

It’s been getting better. Mama’s been working with you to talk about feelings. You learned about how your feelings can get big, and mama tries to help you work on making them small. But usually you yell, “I CAN’T MAKE THEM SMALL RIGHT NOW!” Hey, at least it’s a start.

The first week I would come back to a frowning mama, and smiling Js. You were smiling because you two did something naughty and didn’t listen to mama. Some days it’s a frowning mama and two Js with teary faces. But as the days went on, sometimes I’d come home to a quiet house. I’d put my things away and walk upstairs. Then I’d see mama at her desk, grinning ear to ear.

Mama biz

The first week was rough. The first Monday you were home was also mama’s group day. Things went well at first. But I guess you got bored, so you had a meltdown. It seems you ran around, bumped into nursing moms with your cart, banged your drums, screamed, cried, etc. I’m sure it wasn’t helping the babies nurse to have a demon child loose. Mama came home looking disappointed and hurt.

The next week, mama tried to have group again with you. Since the last time, we had many talks, you apologized, and mama brought more things for you to play with. Mama was expecting no moms to show after what happened last week. But the two regular moms were there. The third from last week wasn’t. Mama explained and the moms were all very understanding. They were moms too. On the contrary, they said that they arrange their whole week to get to come to group. One even wanted to change her insurance to one that would cover mama’s home visits.

A new mom came, and the two regular moms gave her a warm welcome. They answered all her questions, helped her feel better about how all women feel like a bad mom, etc. Mama was happy. Because having this positive kind of “peer pressure” helps. The new mom heard of the group from the boutique’s flyer. J, you did much better this time. You even told me so: “I was trying to be quiet.” In a way, your meltdown helped mama see how important her group was. It would take more than a screaming child to keep them from coming.

As for the third mom, mama thought you scared her away. But that mom called one night, embarrassed that her supply was low and she supplemented with formula. She thought she wasn’t welcome at the group anymore. Mama fixed her problems, told her it’s cool, didn’t judge and said you can still come to next week’s group. She said, “REALLY?”, thanked mama and said she’ll be there.

Mama’s work leads to small adventure

Another call mama got was from a mom she couldn’t see because she was sick. It was another referral from our pediatrician. A week back, she referred her to someone else. But it turned out that the other LC was sick too. So now, a week later, she called mama back. Even though she didn’t know either mama or the other LC, mama was referred by a doctor, and that made all the difference.

But when mama found out where she lived, she wasn’t keen on going. It was out in the nowheres in Morgan Hill. So she said it’s gonna cost extra. I didn’t think mama had it in her. I thought she would just charge $25 extra or something. Mama said Hell No! In the evening, that far, rush hour traffic? So mama said $250. Mama was secretly hoping they’d say no. Mama offered the alternative: come to the free group on Monday (which was only 3 days away). But her husband grabbed the phone and said, “Look, this is her husband. We need you here. Bring your husband, your kids. Stay for dinner. You can play with our goats. We need you here.

So since this was a serious case one week ago that got more serious, I came back early. Because mama said, “They’re both asleep.” I wanted to take advantage of asleep time with you two as much as I could. I said, “I’m on my way.”

I thought they just had a goat to supply their family. But mama said, “No, a farm. They have a farm. Like a real farm. They are dairy farmers.” Oh. Mama had to drive through twisties and hairpins. Deep into nowhere. She passed some mansions, but that family’s home was modest but cozy. She said there was a harp at the entrance. I said, “A wind harp?” She said, “No, a real harp. The big one. And guitars and a keyboard. There was classical guitar music playing.” She thought, “I like this family.”

Then she saw the baby. Two weeks without a proper latch. It hadn’t been able to nurse at the breast since birth. The baby wasn’t doing well. Babies are supposed to gain weight, but this one lost weight. They fed using a syringe.

But mama said she was awesome again. So that means it went well. Apparently, mama was the first LC to succeed. I said, “There were others?” She said she saw the LC at her hospital twice. Mama thought it was interesting that this particular LC has a track record of failing and sending many clients to mama. (She’s going to see if she can use that as an excuse to sneak into the hospital system. She got close to the head LC there. And the advantage this time is she has a strong track record with the pediatricians across the street from the hospital.)

Anyway, the baby’s tongue tie was clipped, but the lip tie was not. So mama showed her how to correct her holds. And how to flip the lip to help baby latch. He latched for the first time. I said, “For the first time? Mom must’ve been… exhilarated.” Mama said she was speechless. Then she said, “He’s… never latched for so long before!”

She said she will come to group. We’ll see. The nice thing is if she comes, mama has already got going a nice support group of moms to welcome her.

While mama was away, I took both of you to the park after your nap. The new double stroller helped. Then we did dinner time. I started feeling antsy near the end. So I snuck a few shots of leftover Sake from mama’s cheat day when we had Sushi. Taking care of you two alone humbles me. Because I remember that mama does this every day. And I remember how hard it is and how crazy it is that mama does it. I don’t think I could be a stay at home dad. I would have noped and sent you two to daycare. You’re lucky you have a mama who can.

(Update: they clipped the lip tie and baby is nursing 100% now. He rejects all the supplements they used to give him and only wants his mommy. They’re happy. And mama smiled and said, “Even if I don’t make any money, this is worth it.”)

“Bringing Sexy Back’ progress weigh-in.

Remember the weight loss contest mama joined? They released an update with the current standings:

She’s been going down one pant size each week. She said she’s looking forward to buying nice clothes again for her normal body, instead of grabbing “temporary” clothes from discount racks: “I just fit into my old, pre-baby ‘fat pants’! They are my post-baby skinny pants now lol. Small victories even when the scale is giving me stress this week.”

Her weight loss “miracle” made a few friends curious. Some old friends she hadn’t talked to in a while came out to say she inspired them to give it a shot too. So while she doesn’t like taking pictures of herself, she doesn’t mind if she’ll be an inspiration to others. And she stays motivated knowing that other people are motivated by her. Because of the support system mama built, she’s feeling better about herself. Today, she said that you two were troublemakers. A similar situation would’ve made her break her diet before, but this time she felt different. Even though you, j, were slapping her with the croissant and pretending to nibble with her lips. Then you ate her low-carb snack. Then, you chased Kimi around with the croissant in your hand while she chased you around to eat your crumbs. Mama caught her and sent her back to her house.

So mama set up a blog to share her “secrets” with her friends. Of course, there aren’t really any secrets. But we all need to believe there are. It could be mama sharing her diet, or recipes, or by being someone they can see go from fat to thin. We all need a little help to get going. And sometimes a little help is all we need.

As soon as I set the website up for mama, she was like a freed rabbit. She has been publishing 2-3 posts a day, in addition to shelving 2-3 more drafts. Unlike me, who doesn’t have much faith in people, mama really loves helping others. She’s happy to see people like her, wanting to fix themselves, and she’s happy to be honest about her struggles and solutions.

Mama’s dream goal weight is lower than I’ve ever seen her at. I don’t want to be selfish, but I’m excited. And I’m proud of her of course.

Curious conversations

“See, these monkeys evolved and became people.”
“No they didn’t. Monkeys and people are different animals.”
“But mama said…”
I glared at mama.
“I didn’t want to be specific.”
So I tried to fix it. I gave you examples, to see if you could get the idea of evolution.
“Different animals evolve differently. Carla Cretoxyrhina evolved into modern shark. Supercroc evolved into modern croc. Wolves evolved into dogs…”
“It seems like mama is wrong.”

“I’ll be the first-est kid to try flying.”
“The firstest?”
“I will be the firstest to make wings for my arms.”
“Why am I the first kid to fly with my arms? Why no one else has made wings for their arms?”

Growing up
J you’re getting more mature. I can talk to you like an adult.
“Daddy I like to follow what you do” (I was strutting on the sidewalk, you tried to follow on your bike)
“j likes to follow what you do too. So we have to show her the right things.”

Then at the playground… j tried to climb up the slide
“Daddy take of her shoes”
j was slipping
“Daddy I think you should take off her shoes”
j fell over and bumped face on slide. You cried, I picked you up and put you on the play structure. J said:
“I will take your shoes off! Now you won’t slip and you can climb up the slide.”
Then, “Daddy look the kid swings are open.”
“Let’s go.”
You grabbed your shoes and j’s shoes.
“I will put them in the stroller.” You hurried in case someone else wanted the swings too. “Now we can go on the swings.”

“I have big feelings. I want to make them small but I can’t right now.”

With pool noodle on crotch…
“Look! I have a big penis!”
After potty…
“Julie come here! I want to show you my penis!”

New morning routine

j, usually, when you wake up, you cry for mama and mama grabs you before I realize it’s not a dream. But lately you started doing something different. I’d dream of someone patting my back, then poking me. In my dreams I’m saying, “Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!” Then when I open my eyes, there you are staring at me. It’s you. You crawl to me to wake me up. The current routine is you’ll poke my eye. I say, “Eye.” Then, “Mouth. Nose. Eyebrow. Ear. Chin. Chin. Chin. Chin.” Then you’ll get bored and say, “meh meh meh!” I’ll say, “Mama? Want me to take you downstairs?” And you’ll stop whimpering. “Come, let’s go.” And you’ll raise your hands and throw your body over my chest.

New bedtime routine
You don’t want to sleep anymore. I said close your eyes. You locked your eyes open and tried to “close” them by covering them with your arm. Then you lifted your arm and smiled the way you do when you’re zombie-tired. At first I just tried to wait it out. But then 9pm turned to 10pm and 10pm turned to 11pm and then midnight. And then as soon as I’d think you were asleep and left, you’d run down the hall and bully us into letting you sleep in our bed. After a few nights of this, I had enough. I wasn’t going to spend 2 hours putting you to sleep each night.

So I went back to old tricks from when you had baby colic and only wanted to sleep in our arms. I figured that the reason you don’t want to sleep is that you want to be with us all the time. So instead of laying by the door reading and leaving you be and have your brain wander, I invest 15-30 minutes to pat your back, sing, etc. Whatever it takes to turn your brain off and shut you down. E.g., “Why do…?” I’m all done answering questions, close your eyes, *sing* go to sleep *pat*… It takes more energy. But at least I know you’re out when you’re out. It’s worked the last two nights I tried. I’m going to be a master sleep assassin.

Reading

Walking back from the park…
“B-M-W. BAMWE!”
I laughed. Mama didn’t get it because she wasn’t looking. Then she saw the letters on the rims.
“BAMWE!”
“Yes, you read it right, J. But this car — we just call it by the letters. B. M. W.”

Watching mama cook…
J: “What’s this? Coconut?”
Mama: “You read that?”
Me: “Yes first word is coconut. What’s the next word? M… EYE… LK”
J: “m… eye… lk”
Me: “Read it faster”
J: “Coconut milk!”

Reading from the car seat…
“S…ubb… Sub… Subway!”

Cool stuff…

You can get dressed all by yourself. One day, you got dressed, then came over to help me pick my clothes. “This one?” You wanted me to go to work in the shorts you usually see me wear to the park. Then you tried to dress me.

j can push the scooter.

This one’s cooler for me as a dad. j, you no longer scream for mama when you’re with me. You’re really cute now. You love coming over for snuggles and when I pick you up sometimes you’re like a koala who doesn’t want to let go or go anywhere else.

Real space explosion

Proverb: “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room”

Maru’s syndrome (“When there’s a box, I cannot help but enter it”):

This week in pictures…

Falling asleep in the backseat after playing at the park with the twins:

Park J new vehicle

My new home

Good morning

Bubble bath

AND I… EE I…

Swinging

Wheels to the park

Sleepy brother teaching sister

Bubbles

Swinging at birthday party. Supposed to be with your friends. But the playground was more interesting

“I’m putting him in the backpack so if he falls asleep he will not fall.”

Love,

Dad

P.S. Abu’s here! Grand-abu has been in and out of hospital. She had all kinds of problems, like single-digit hemoglobin count, infected bedsores, UT infection, low blood pressure, etc. But finally she was stable, so Abu bought plane tickets. She took a chance. She said she didn’t care. She missed you two and has wanted to come for months, but couldn’t because of her mom’s situation. So finally she said she was coming, even if she might have to turn around right after she lands if she got any bad news.

One thing mama is looking forward to now that Abu is here is to knock things off her to-do list. She will finally have time to chase down leads and opportunities and hustle to kick her biz to the next level. Plus, she’ll be getting some help taking care of you two. So this is pretty much as close to a vacation as a mom will get.

P.P.S. I’ve given up trying to read Raymond Carver. Too much feels. I’m now reading Trump: Art of the Deal. Nice inside history of Trump’s Manhattan properties and his beginnings.

P.P.P.S. Random thought. I’ve been reading books and wondering, “Video has taken over the world. Can they replace books?” And I realized that I always get much more from books. Why can’t movies or TV make me feel the same way? And I think I know why. It’s because you can pack more detail in print. In video, the camera pans through multiple frames per second. In a book, the author could spend as much time as he wants with the reader on each frame.

So if you’re passionate about something, by all means, watch all the videos you can. But remember that you’ll always miss the best bits unless you pick up some books too.

P.P.P.P.S. Thanks for your Father’s Day gifts. Mama helped you write two cards. Mama showed you pillowcase with writing as a suggestion. You said *GASP* I want to make that for daddy. You thought it was a t-shirt. You said you want to draw a croco-croco-crocodile. But you got too excited writing so you lost track.