Hey J,

Don’t worry. This letter isn’t from me. It’s from your mom. Last night, you kept conning me to change your diapers because you didn’t want to sleep. I finally had enough and so you said you wanted mama instead.

Later, she told me about the “moment” she had with you. She said, “I think Joshua just wanted some time with me. We sat in the rocking chair and talked. I looked at him and saw him smiling in the dark. I asked, ‘What are you thinking?’ He said, ‘I’m your baby’. I love him so much.”

Then she wrote this for you in your blog:

Today you couldn’t sleep. Today you are one month away from being three years old and for the first time in a long time we sat on the rocking chair together for a while. We rocked together in the silent darkness of your sister’s room since your rocking chair is no longer with us. Victim to this growing up thing that you seem to continue to do despite my hopes to keep you sweet and little forever.

As we rocked and snuggled together memories came back. The first time we sat in a rocking chair together. You were so tiny and I wasn’t quite sure how to hold you. I would subject my body to any pain just to make sure you could be comfortable enough for an extra minute of sleep. Time went by and we got more comfortable. I could hold you many ways as your body kept growing. As you began to know your body, you would find your own comfort on my body.

Some nights we must have spent 6 hours out of 8 rocking instead of sleeping. Some nights I thought I wouldn’t be able to go on, that you’d never sleep without me. Most nights I just couldn’t imagine any other way to end the day. When I was pregnant with Julie you patiently explored my growing belly to find a way to contort yourself around it. You found your way for nine months and we three would start the night together.

While we rocked tonight I caught a glimpse of your smiling face and I asked you, even though you are only 2, what were you thinking about. You thought a little more, smiled a little more and answered my question: “I am your baby.” Yes, darling, you are my baby and you will always be my baby. We’ll always find the way to share a great big hug no matter how big you get, no matter how old I get.

I hope that as we continue to grow, despite my greatest efforts, that we’ll grow together, in a big hug, like when Julie was in my belly, finding just the right amount of space and squeeze and love for each other.

Love you always,