Dear Js,

By the time you read this, hormones are probably already surging through your blood, and you might have confused yourself that you have feelings for someone. That’s fine. Get used to it.

Physiologically, intellectually, emotionally, “Love” is one of the most mysterious forces we experience as humans. There is no shortage of woo woo and theory to explain it. Hollywood is by far the worst source of reality, because what they’ll present to you is what sells (what people want to believe), not what is actually true.

So I feel it’s my duty to set you on the right path. I believe I’ve cracked the code on what makes relationships work. Not “work” just for a few months. But the recipe of a relationship that lasts years. Maybe even a lifetime.

Unlike the others, my theory is special: It doesn’t involve “Love” at all. It’s a more sobering and functional view of relationships. Another thing that’s special is I will illustrate it using something we all know and love: Food.

I hope this simple model might be your compass as you bobble in your tumultuous sea of desires.

The Ladder of Relationship Success:

  1. Lust – for the initial attraction.

    (Food analogy: we eat with our eyes first)

  2. Complementary personalities – for something to get excited about when you’re not having sex.

    (Food analogy: it must be delicious)

  3. Communication – so you can have a good time when you are not having sex, and so you can solve problems together.

    (Food analogy: easy to eat, easy to it a lot of it, easy to keep eating it)

  4. Common principles and values – for long term interest

    (Food analogy: it must be something you don’t mind eating for the rest of your life)

  5. Connection / bond / intimate experiences / “give a shit” factor – this is the final element that makes it stick, without this, the relationship will fall apart because one person doesn’t have a reason to give a shit about the other person anymore. Even with the best communication, if the person doesn’t care enough to communicate, it’s useless. E.g., Nelson Mandela is a peacemaker but didn’t care enough to apply his skills to save his marriage.

    (Food analogy: loyalty to one chef/restaurant because of something unique there, which can’t be found even in other places that serve the same food)

Level 1 is a one night stand. An expression of pure lust.

Most “long-term” relationships reach Level 3/4. Some think that’s all there is and move ahead and get married at Level 4… Only to find it all fall apart later when it gets stressed and tested (e.g. kids) or when the relationship fizzles out or hits its lowest lows. When they don’t have the Level 5 “give a shit” factor, they get a divorce, break up, etc.

It is the “give a shit” factor that makes the couple give a shit about doing everything they can to make it work. The give a shit factor is like a single mother raising her kids. Because she gives a shit about her kids, everything else is secondary. Whatever life throws at her, she doesn’t care. It’s irrelevant. She’ll run into a burning building, fight bears, kill a mugger, lift cars, doesn’t matter. She will make it work no matter what. That is the “give a shit” factor.

Love,

Dad