The weather outside is frightful…

… but the cold is so delightful?

Dear Js,

It’s getting dark earlier. Traffic has gotten worse. People here must be terrified of driving in the dark. My commute has gotten almost twice as long. There are accidents every day. I guess it’s harder to use a smartphone while driving in the dark.

And because it’s dark, we don’t go for our walks anymore. We used to go to park and the train station and the far park. But now you want to stay home and play with mama. Remember I mentioned last week how mama’s your favorite now. That’s okay, I get to walk Kimi and clear my head in the cold Fall evenings.

I don’t usually like the cold. And it’s getting cold. At bath time – you complain you’re cold as soon as you stand up. I snatch you up and wrap you in your warm fluffy towel.

After Michigan, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the cold again.

But lately, I started to sort of like it again. It’s not too cold – this is California. I’ve been having some fun with it. This time last year, I used to wear a jacket. This year, I’m trying to toughen up. Practice some mind over matter. It’s not cold enough to hurt, and I’m not shivering, so I thought maybe I don’t have to be so wimpy.

One of key skills winners have is being able to do something you don’t want to do… even if just for a little while.

I got the idea reading the experiences of civilians who tried a version of Special Forces Selection. In just 2 days, they efficiently push people to their breaking point as humans. But usually it’s not the body that breaks. They make sure no one is ever at risk for injury, so you know the body is okay. It’s the mind that quits first.

As I was reading the stories, I noticed that two things break people best – exhaustion, and cold. And they use tricks like lulling people to expect a pattern. And with a pattern comes the expectation of the end coming near, and therefore relief in sight. And that’s when they snatch it away. They make you go back down the same path you just came up on. Or just have you walk in the sand without a destination. I related to it, because there was a time I was depressed. I remember looking forward to the end and how being optimistic can make you feel even more hopeless. Either because the reward never comes, or it gets taken from you… and so you end up sinking lower than you started.

The best you can do in difficult times is to put one foot in front of the other. Left, right. Keep breathing. Anytime your mind wanders to the future in hope of relief, is yet another chance for your spirit to be crushed. When you develop a routine, or when you break the hardest problem down to a simple task, it becomes doable. Routine helps you focus on the simple task at hand.

I like this quote:

“Real problems can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.”

Focus on the real problems. Don’t defeat yourself letting your mind wander off to imaginary things.

Anyway, every now and then, I have tried to get more used to the cold. When it’s a little cold in the evening and I’d usually take a jacket, I’d instead leave it behind. Then I’d step outside and feel cold. But it’s more like me acknowledging it’s cold. There’s a difference. When you feel cold, there is the sensation of cold, and there is what you tell yourself “cold” means.

As for the sensation of “cold”, you can let your body and brain experience it. Take it in. Acknowledge it. Your nerves receive the sensation. Every breath draws cold air into your chest. Your fingers get cold. Face gets cold. Ears get cold. The wind blows; the breeze makes it feel colder.

Next, there’s what you tell yourself it means. The most extreme reaction is, “Danger.” That is a popular reaction. People are so used to feeling comfortable, that the moment the temperature is not toasty, they react as if it’s Danger. They NEED to get warm.

But is it really Danger? Or just discomfort? Or mild annoyance? When I first started this, my brain said “Danger. You can’t go out without a jacket. If it gets colder, you’ll be sorry.” But is it Danger? I thought about it and decided no, it’s not danger. I’m not shivering. Worst case is, if it gets colder and I can’t stand it, I’ll just jump up and down or do push ups until I feel warm again.

If you go through this process, after a while, you’ll find that the threat level will be downgraded from “Danger I’m going to DIE” to “Hmm, I guess it’s not that bad.” And I feel a little stronger, because your mind is what makes you strong. Because remember, the first reason why you will quit anything when the going gets touch is because your mind sabotages you.

In general, I think it’s a good idea to practice this: anytime you feel you can’t do something, do a little bit more. If you want to quit at your 50th push up, do 51. If you don’t feel like reading, read 1 page. If you don’t feel like writing, write 1 paragraph. I often don’t feel like writing when I start writing these letters to you two. But I say I’ll just write one sentence. And often what will happen is one sentence turns to two. And before I know it, I have written all these things that I wouldn’t have otherwise written. I don’t know which words came when I was feeling inspired, and which came when I was tired.

If you dig, you’ll find many different people offering the same suggestion. From Neil Gaiman:

If you’re only going to write when you’re inspired, you may be a fairly decent poet, but you will never be a novelist — because you’re going to have to make your word count today, and those words aren’t going to wait for you, whether you’re inspired or not. So you have to write when you’re not “inspired.” … And the weird thing is that six months later, or a year later, you’re going to look back and you’re not going to remember which scenes you wrote when you were inspired and which scenes you wrote because they had to be written.

… to Tchaikovsky:

Do not believe those who try to persuade you that composition is only a cold exercise of the intellect. The only music capable of moving and touching us is that which flows from the depths of a composer’s soul when he is stirred by inspiration. There is no doubt that even the greatest musical geniuses have sometimes worked without inspiration. This guest does not always respond to the first invitation. We must always work, and a self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood. If we wait for the mood, without endeavouring to meet it half-way, we easily become indolent and apathetic. We must be patient, and believe that inspiration will come to those who can master their disinclination.

A few days ago I told you I was working every day without any real inspiration. Had I given way to my disinclination, undoubtedly I should have drifted into a long period of idleness. But my patience and faith did not fail me, and to-day I felt that inexplicable glow of inspiration of which I told you; thanks to which I know beforehand that whatever I write to-day will have power to make an impression, and to touch the hearts of those who hear it. I hope you will not think I am indulging in self-laudation, if I tell you that I very seldom suffer from this disinclination to work. I believe the reason for this is that I am naturally patient. I have learnt to master myself, and I am glad I have not followed in the steps of some of my Russian colleagues, who have no self-confidence and are so impatient that at the least difficulty they are ready to throw up the sponge. This is why, in spite of great gifts, they accomplish so little, and that in an amateur way.

… to one of mama’s favorite authors Isabel Allende:

Show up, show up, show up, and after a while the muse shows up, too.

These one baby steps forward are the secret to victory. Where others would have quit, you made progress. You have overcome an obstacle, even though it may be small. You endured pain a little longer than others would. You become that little bit stronger than you were a second ago.

And why is it the secret to victory? Because if you can take 1 step forward today through the pain, soon that 1 extra step will be your new normal. And then you take your next step.

But, everything I said so far is worthless without one thing: purpose. Without purpose, you have no reason to take even the smallest step. The stronger your reason behind doing what you do, the fewer excuses your brain will make to quit. That’s one of the reasons I’m afraid to commit to doing just any thing “for my children.” And that’s also why people who don’t have children may struggle to find a reason to endure the pain. Doing it for money, or for yourself, or for fame, sex, etc… they are weak.

They say everyone has a game plan until they get punched in the face. Without a purpose, the first punch will knock your will out the window.

So, really if you want to set yourself up to conquer a particular challenge, you need to do two things:

1. Be clear about your Purpose
2. Take one extra step through the pain

Keep moving forward, and before you know it, it’ll be blue skies again and sunshine again.

Stories from home with mama

Mama texted me from home on one of the days both of you refused to nap:

Mama: I got joshua doing circuit training before nap time hahaha
Mama: Jumping jacks, jump up and down fast and then yoga every time I can get him too.. Also yoga ha! I will get a nap too!!
… then later…
Mama: Joshua was reading monster under the shed by himself, I ask him, do u know what frightened means? He says, yes, it means *gasp* hehehe
Me: hehe he has asked me about words like aghast too. ask him what aghast means
Mama: He said *gasp* and now is reciting pout pout fish lol
Now he is telling me what a statue is
They didn’t nap, I am exhausted!
Gone shopping to keep him distracted
Me: yes we talked about that at the same time. he is recalling related concepts

Lastly, biz updates: Mama was at the pediatricians’ for Julie’s checkup. She thanked the Dr for the last 2 referrals. The Dr thanked her for helping their patients. As it turns out, they’ve been handing out mama’s pamphlets and recommending her to all their nursing patients. This positive feedback loop feeds more confidence into the relationship, and in turn give more confidence to refer more. The Dr was excited to get mama’s poster for her Monday support group – they will put it up in the office. Next stop – the midwives’ practice! Remember, the general principle here: the fastest way to architecting sustained lead flow to your business is to tap into other people’s customers.

As for me, remember the Achilles project I started? The presentation to 30 special people led to 10 early adopters. They tried it, liked it, but because of human frailty, sputtered and fizzled out as expected. I’ll keep working them. But good news is out of them came one fanatic. By the way, this one fanatic was the point of this whole phase. You’ll never get 100% adoption right away. This was a campaign. Sequential followup is the bread and butter. The way to start any movement is to first fan flames in the fanatics. After my presentation a month ago, the director said, “Don’t expect to get much response.” (I surprised him with the response I received.) But still, I said I don’t care about how many people respond. I only cared about fishing for at least one fanatic. Because I knew that a fanatic would multiply my influence. He would infuse the movement with his passion. He would also add more fuel to keep the conversation going — every week, I made sure it seemed to outsiders that something fantastic was happening that they were missing out on. (Ref: Loss aversion.)

Anyway, what happened was one guy was inspired. Real smart guy. He went crazy for a few days building up a new application for Runtime optimization using Achilles. He used words such as, “addicting”, “this is so cool”, “I’m afraid to look at the report because it reveals so many problems.” I helped remove any barriers and reduced any chance of him getting frustrated. I gave him a slippery slide from his ideas to instant gratification.

Today, he presented it to his manager, who loved it, grabbed another manager, who desperately needed it. Then the director stopped by, offered some suggestions so he could one day replace everything he was using now. The beauty of Runtime is that it’s like the topic Health. Because everyone cares about it, if you have a strong health product/promotion/package, you can often find a deep list of buyers. Compared to say Golf. In software, everyone cares about Runtime and it’s always an issue. So, his application swung the doors to invite the entire universe to the party.

In a few weeks, Achilles is scheduled to be featured in the director’s department-wide presentation. They don’t know it yet, but it’s a competitive advantage as significant as the Manhattan Project. (But without the ill intent.) It’ll be like showing up to surprise cavemen with guns. Oh, also, I’m on a roll. I submitted a patent application today (for something else). I’ll let you know if it gets accepted!

Love,

Dad

P.S. I was carrying you to the car a few days ago, to take you to school. I opened the garage door and circled back to your car seat. The door wouldn’t open. I was confused. I tried again. How could this be? I don’t lock the doors. I tried again. “Why can we not open the door, daddy?” Because it’s locked. “Why is it locked?” I finally accepted that the door was indeed locked. I checked the other rear door. Locked too. Then the driver’s door. OPEN! Phew. I hit the “unlock” button, closed the door and went back to open the back door. Still locked. NO. I did not just hit the lock button instead of open. Meanwhile, as I’m trying to keep cool, you peck at my patience, “Why is the door locked?” Because I left the key inside. “Why did you leave the key inside?” Because I didn’t take it out. “Why didn’t you take it out?” I ran in and yelled, “Emergency!” “Why did you say … E-MER-GENCY? Why?” Thankfully, before I lost my sanity, I found the spare key.

P.P.S. – Flying trains and mushrooms:

P.P.P.S. – Julie you can do push ups now. Last week you would cry whenever you were on your tummy. You would wake yourself up that way too – you’d roll around in bed, then accidentally roll onto your tummy and posture up like a cobra. Your eyes open. You look confused and angry that someone woke you up: “Who put me on my tummy! I was trying to sleep!” Now you don’t seem to mind. You can crab around a little. When I pick you up and stand you on your feet… you really like that. You pitch yourself forward like you want to walk. But your legs don’t move so if I let you go you’d fall on your face. You’ll be crawling soon! Very soon!