Kids are beautiful like Jewel Wasps

Dear Js,

Mama and I talked for a few hours after you two went to sleep. Each night, we lick our wounds and wonder if we’ll make it. When we were done it was 11.30pm. We don’t talk as much as we used to but every time we do we feel less run over and more human. And it gives us a chance to laugh at our misfortunes together. This is important, even if it eats into the few hours of personal time we have left each day. And after we talk, a few things we talk about rattle in my head so I rush to pen them down to share with you. For example, here’s what we talked about tonight…

I don’t remember extreme emotional moments growing up. I remember the scenes, but not the raw emotions. I thought about it after watching how you screamed at the top of your lungs, then just when I think you can’t scream any louder, you do. It vibrates off the walls and gives me a visceral reaction that I want to kill whatever’s making this noise and oh I can’t because it’s my kid.

I’m sure all kids go through this phase and I used to be a kid, but I don’t remember any of them. So I’m thinking that you won’t either.

That means, if we adults let ourselves make decisions while we’re emotional like this, we’re making decisions on things we won’t remember. The only thing we’ll remember is that it happened, like a photograph, but we’ll never remember why. But the scary thing is that this stress is what splits families and makes dads leave. I know because the thought has crossed my mind too. That’s what made me think about this. So I hold on because I know all this raw emotion will pass and we’ll forget all of it. I try to remind myself that it won’t be wise to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.

Easier said than done. The shitty thing thing is we all make decisions based on emotions. We’re really good at making up stories to tell ourselves to justify our decision. We’re good at filling in the blanks.

In fact, the more creative we are, the better we are at coming up with bullshit we believe. (“The dark side of creativity: original thinkers can be more dishonest” – Francesca Gino & Dan Ariely). If I linked the right paper, this is an experiment where they conducted an experiment on employees of a big company. They tested how honest they were. They found that people in creative departments were more dishonest. They thought Hmmmm… interesting… what if we take regular people and put them in a creative mood? Will they be more dishonest? Yup. The more creative you, the better you can explain away whatever crimes you commit.

While I think there’s nothing wrong with white lies, the problem with having blanks to fill with stories is when you’re a kid. Say, a child sees his dad leaving. Remember how I said we don’t remember the raw emotions? If dad is leaving because of stress/emotions, the child won’t remember any of that. I know this because you can ride your bike and cry for 30 minutes from A to B and not realize you’re crying until I point it out to you. So that’s why this leaves a void.

After the chemical rush subsides and the emotions drain, children are left with a blank to fill. Why did daddy have to leave? Why can’t mommy and daddy live in the same house? So what’s a child to do? Yup. Make up stories. Unfortunately, their world is small so the only stories they can make up are simple stories. And since to them, dad is a superhero who can do no wrong, the only reason a child can come up will NOT be because dad screwed up. So what else could it be? “Maybe it’s me.”

Anyway, raising kids smart is tough because smart kids are troublemakers. And like what I just said… creative people are better at cheating because creative people are better at making up stories. You try to cheat ALL the time. Just check out this conversation we had at dinner time:

Me: “Finish this chicken before you eat the rest of that sandwich.”
You: “But it’s cold.” You pout and hug your chest.
Me: “I don’t care, eat it.”
You: “But… I’m too tired to eat any more.” You rub your eyes.
Me: “Do you need help?” You said “ya…” I put it in your mouth and you ate it.
Then you went back to eating your grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: “I thought you said you were too tired to eat any more.”
You: “I am tired AND hungry.”

So here’s my conclusion: Child intelligence is proportional to how much torture the parents are willing to endure.

Picture this. Kid goes “Mama! Why does…? Why? Why? Mama! Why is…? Why? Why? Why do you need a break? Why am I asking to many questions? Why why why why why?” The more patience a parent has, the more answers the kid will get and the more answers the kid gets the more he’ll learn about his world. But it’s so much easier to just go, Here kid, have fun with this iPad… or Here kid, I’ll give you a snack if you’ll stop asking.

That’s why you’re lucky to have mama. Because she sure has more patience than I do. I am always relieved to escape to work where there are no crying children. But mama is with you every day. I know that I couldn’t be a stay at home dad. I’d try it for a week and nope back to getting a full time job and send you kids somewhere.

And it’s because mama can take more pain than I can. Even though she feels guilty she can’t give you 100% and she loses patience sometimes, her 80% is more than enough to fuel your creativity and learning better than any daycare or nanny can. Like the other day, she took you cycling and j strollering all the way to the library and then to the new park by the library. You wouldn’t have gotten to ride your bike so much if mama didn’t stay at home. Or read, or write, or talk, or discuss the universe or hang out as brother and sister. Why not call her up and thank her. She’ll love to hear your voices.

Ah… remember how I helped Uncle J launch his business in the last letter? I said to him today that finally, you can officially say that you have a business. He’s now into his 2nd month and he hasn’t lost his paying subscribers.This was after I told him 2 weeks ago that if you don’t have a system, you have a promotion, not a business. A system meaning lead generation, lead capture, campaigns to convert leads to level 1 sales. Level 1 to level 2 subscribers. And ongoing campaigns to make subscribers stick, ascend, etc. The picture I painted for him was, “Soon, you and your gf will probably start thinking about kids and a house. And if you have a house, you have a mortgage. How can you design a business that gives you revenues so predictable… so reliable, that you can depend on it to pay for your 1-2K mortgage every month, year after year?”

After that, he disappeared for 2 weeks. No emails, no texts. Today he emailed me to help him put up a new video for his lead capture / squeeze page. Meanwhile, I’ve watched him nurture his subscribers in his private group. He also updated his autoresponder to lead new subscribers to the next step (free gift + sales page). And he published a new video on YouTube to send new leads to his lead capture page. He said, “haha thanks! I’m actually really into it now. This business is on my mind all day long, and I’m always thinking of ways to improve it. you need to check out this email i got from that lady from Japan. It really needs to be in the testimonials. I’ll forward it.”

Hi Jardy!

So, first, I must say that it has been an amazing experience for me to be part of your secret house society. There is so much love and support there for one another, and I really thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating and giving the space for all of us to be who we truly are. I am so happy that I stumbled upon your youtube video, but I am thinking it was meant to be.

I did get your message about week 6 class. I watched it a little bit in the morning when I had time, and I am getting antsy because I want to just get on with it!

I did miss the week 1 class. I was bummed but at this point, all I can do is to do my best to catch up from week 2 class. I am a mom, and have a job too, so I have passion, love, and energy for music and dance, but sometimes what I don’t have is the time. But that is what it is, so from time to time, I may miss a couple of things here and there, but there are plenty of things that you offer, so I am just going to enjoy whatever I can take in at this moment. So, please don’t take my lack of participation as lack of passion or motivation. In fact, I do get up everyday at 4am, take a walk to the park and dance half an hour to an hour depend on the day. I don’t yet have an access to studio nor big room with mirror or anything at this moment, all I have is the park! so, it will be difficult for me to video tape myself and put it on Facebook. But, I will keep looking for some availability for such space.

Okay, I must go back to being a mommy, so hope you are having a wonderful day (or night?) Bye for now!

Sending you and your girlfriend the warmest greeting from Japan!

Did you read between the lines? Can you see how it’s not really about dance? It’s never really about the thing. What it’s about is the terrible feeling of being alone with whatever it is you love. We all want to belong. We want to be with people who love what we love… where you won’t feel strange and no one laughs at how you dance. Because we all dance the same language.

I’ve been secretly trying to work his community from the inside. Shaping the ambiance, sacrificing myself to nudge the stories and mood the right way. He doesn’t care or maybe isn’t aware about any of this. Because I think he thinks this is it… that selling a DVD and teaching an online class is the end of the story. What he doesn’t know is that it’s just Step 2, and that there is a Step 3… and 4 and 5 and more. E.g., Step 3 could be a live event. Like a conference. And when you have a conference, their recordings convert into even more products, and so on.

So you can imagine why my ears tingled when he said this today…

“You know what’s crazy? So I’m here seeing you guys get a better grasp of house freestyle at a phenomenal rate because of the Footwork Style course, but I haven’t mentioned this other person that also improved because of the course: me. Before all this, I had relatively very little understanding of the mechanics of my freestyle. I listened to the music, and the moves I’ve practiced for years came out. That was it for me. I had little control of the material that actually came out, which to me was a negative thing because for years, I had this final vision of what I wanted my dance to look like. There were still a few things in my dance that I wanted but didn’t have, because I didn’t have full control over my movement…
…until now. It’s crazy, but creating this course made me a better dancer. I even achieved my final vision. And I have you guys to thank, because without you, I wouldn’t have ever made this course. Thank you, guys. I am forever grateful.”

Then someone replied…

“That’s awesome Jardy.

We are grateful for this global community you have set at our fingertips. Communication has come a long way from 20, 10, or even 2-3 years ago, and I think it’s amazing we are one click away from sharing our progress, listening to countless underground music tracks, or simply providing support. And what’s particularly insane, is I could make any reason for myself to travel to San Jose, Japan, Miami, or any of our other homes, and have somebody to session with.

Insane(ly awesome). Thank you.”

I couldn’t help myself so I planted this idea…

“you know, that’s a great idea! Maybe each year there could be a trip to one country where one of us members lives…”

What can I say? I plant seeds

I visited our dentist today for a regular cleaning. We found out that Dr B had kidney failure. Dialysis-serious. I heard about it from mama so I asked him about it. He said it was from chronic high blood pressure, and salty foods. He plugs himself into his dialysis machine at home each night. It’s a nifty process that uses your stomach lining as a filter, so you don’t need to pass your blood through an external machine to filter (which takes half a day at a clinic and dehydrates you). It’s partly hereditary; he has family who died because they didn’t choose dialysis.

He was depressed. So I told him a story of how my dad had high blood pressure too. I said the thing that he felt insulted most about was that all his life he was the youngest in a poor family… and everyone told him what he could or couldn’t have, what he should or shouldn’t do. Finally, when he grew up, he relished that he could buy whatever he wanted without answering to anyone and do whatever he wanted. And eat whatever he wanted. So you can understand why being sick insulted him. How dare anyone tell him he can’t eat whatever he wanted! Dr B said, “YES!” Then Christian guilt reeled him back and he said, “Of course… pride plays a big role too.”

I asked, “Have you considered sharing about your story with others?” He said he hadn’t shared it with anyone except patients and his church group and pastor. I told him about the cancer survivor who used her story to inspire others to live better, the black mom who inspires others to eat clean, lose weight and be proud of your curves. I had an unfair advantage, because I knew a big button with Christians is being a messenger of God, spreading the word, bearing witness, etc. So I pushed it. He told me about what his Pastor said to him. That while you’re coming out of your hole, others could be going in, and your message can help others through it. He also told me about how much he appreciated a man in his church group who shared his condition but already had a kidney transplant. Then I planted another idea: “it’s easy to share these days, especially with the Internet.” He said “Yes, but there’s so much negativity.” I can already picture pastors shouting sermons about the evils of the Internet. So I said, “That’s EXACTLY the reason why good people like yourself need to add your voice, because otherwise all the suffering people — all the children — see is negativity.”

Just kidding.

I enjoyed this conversation for many reasons. I got to learn about what someone in his condition had to deal with and felt. But the ulterior motive I had was that I saw a unique opportunity in his story that he doesn’t yet realize. 1) His title is Doctor. 2) He is Filipino (subculture). 3) He experienced a life-changing event where he beat death. 4) He has found secrets, tips and tricks to manage and solve his condition. E.g., “Healthy recipes to continue enjoying all the Filipino foods you love, approved by the National Kidney Foundation.” It’s an info business, and one where he is perfectly positioned with the story, authority and affinity to the 1 in 9 demographic most likely to suffer this problem.

This is the fun I have these days. I plant seeds with people I meet, then leave them to decide what they want to do about it. Some people take months, some people years. Some people never. When I see Dr B again, I’m going to ask, “So did you start a blog/journal?” He will then either say No, where I shall plant more seeds. Or he will say Yes, where I shall also plant more seeds, but for his next step. And so on.

The most important thing I’ve discovered in my seed-planting experiments is that seeds only grow under one condition: one has to feel like he thought of the idea himself. That is the only way it sticks. And that’s the only way he’ll take action. You never give them the whole pie. No no no. That’s a newbie mistake I used to commit. If you want someone to do anything, you give them just a crumb short of a mouthful, and wait for the gears to turn. Then you’ll see it in their eyes as they say, “AHA! You know what, I just had an idea… I could…” That’s when you go, “That is the most brilliant idea ever!” And make sure you let them take all the credit.

You know what the best part of the conversation was? He was so into it that I didn’t have to suffer the typical uncomfortable situation of him asking me if I flossed and me squirming to decide to lie or tell the truth.

But wanna know the real — slightly sad — reason why I plant seeds? Because I really don’t have any other choice.

See having kids means I can’t be obsessed long enough about anything to be inspired. You know what it feels like getting really into something? There’s a trance that you slip into where your eyes widen and you forget to blink. Time flies so fast you sometimes forget to eat. Sometimes you even forget to breathe, and the shallow breaths make you stink. Your senses are heightened — you focus on your task at hand but you tune out the rest of the world. By immersing yourself, almost overwhelming yourself, you fill your mind to bursting with thoughts and feelings. They float about and eventually they start to take shape. Then the shapes crawl out of your dreams and haunt you like a ghost with unfinished business. They haunt you until you bring it to life.

None of this gets to happen when kids are around. The rituals get interrupted. The trance gets broken before it can even start.

For example, last week, I entertained another urge to prep Secret Campfire for launch. To design the starting experience, I binged on urban legends, especially internet urban legends. Slender man, Ted the caver, The Dionaea House, Candle Cove, Black-Eyed Kids. I also got sucked into Japanese folklore and Yamishibai. Why urban legends? Because they are the fittest stories that survived evolution of society. As long as they have to be and no shorter than they can be, passed on from generation to generation, polished to perfection. After a while of reading, things began to seep into my subconscious. Then I got ideas and inspirations. But just as I tried to do something about them to bring them to life, you kids murdered them. Children’s cries are finely-evolved to be unignorable interrupts. I was telling mama that the person who wrote “Oh What a Beautiful Mornin'” definitely could not have composed it with screaming kids around.

The problem is as a parent, there is no more personal time. And personal time — alone time — is what you need to create. Inspiration comes from people and the world around you. But after you’re inspired, you need alone time to work:

“Writing, at its best, is a lonely life.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Write with the door closed, rewrite with the door open.” Stephen King
‘I don’t believe anything really revolutionary has ever been invented by committee… I’m going to give you some advice that might be hard to take. That advice is: Work alone… Not on a committee. Not on a team.” – Steve Wozniak
“One can never be alone enough to write.” – Susan Sontag

So it seems I found what describes my life now. I sit on a fence, looking over each side. One side lies the work I want to lose myself in. The other side lies my family. If I jump into either side, I will be walled off from the other.

It’s not an easy choice, but you two make it for me. j, you’re good at making sure my thoughts don’t stray for too long before saying DADDY and asking me to pick you up (if I’m standing) or jumping on my chest (if I’m resting my back). I like to tuck your curls behind your ear. They always pop back but it’s fun to try. Then you turn to smile at me and grab my hair and say, “HEIH.” That means ‘hair’.

Hemingway’s full Nobel Price acceptance speech:
Having no facility for speech-making and no command of oratory nor any domination of rhetoric, I wish to thank the administrators of the generosity of Alfred Nobel for this Prize.

No writer who knows the great writers who did not receive the Prize can accept it other than with humility. There is no need to list these writers. Everyone here may make his own list according to his knowledge and his conscience.

It would be impossible for me to ask the Ambassador of my country to read a speech in which a writer said all of the things which are in his heart. Things may not be immediately discernible in what a man writes, and in this sometimes he is fortunate; but eventually they are quite clear and by these and the degree of alchemy that he possesses he will endure or be forgotten.

Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer’s loneliness but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day.

For a true writer each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed.

How simple the writing of literature would be if it were only necessary to write in another way what has been well written. It is because we have had such great writers in the past that a writer is driven far out past where he can go, out to where no one can help him.

I have spoken too long for a writer. A writer should write what he has to say and not speak it. Again I thank you.

I bolded that paragraph above because it pretty much describes my siren song. The one that calls my name while I’m on this side of the fence with you guys; my family.

I thought of the perfect analogy for explaining what kids will do to your life as a parent. They’re like the Jewel Wasp. They attach to you and replace your brain with a mind control parasite. You lose all ability for creative work and you can only minimally function as a zombie slave.

Interesting convos:

“Mommy, I don’t want to let you be”
“You are mine”
“I don’t want to share you”
“I always want to b close to you”
Mama: And out of context he sounds like a scary stalker lol!

“Mama, if you are an ocean I’ll learn to swim”
Goodness, where do these amazing things come from !

J1: “mama, what year is it?”
M: “2014 baby”
J1: “but mama, planet earth is much older than that!”
…. He is right, explaining this one might be tough!

After mama’s workout, she had to shower.
J: “I want to stay with aunty L”
Mama: “OK…”
She came back to find that she gave you watermelon juice, mango puff, maybe chocolate ice cream.
J: “Mama: I want something that aunty has.”
Mama: “What is it?”
J: “Something brown…”
Mama: “You have to just tell me. I don’t know what it is.”
Aunty L is giggling in the corner.
J: “Something crunchy…”

J to J: “HULI! HULI!”

New developments

j you’re the naughty one. Strangers will think you’re a happy cheery easygoing baby. But you’re happy-cheery because you’re bossy and you know how to get what you want. When J bothers you, you hit him and scream. You scream at him and you scream for us. Then we come to your rescue and you smile.

J: I raised your bike almost two inches. Looks like a growth spurt. j: you’re wearing J’s 3-T pjs.

For a week, you slept in your undies all night with no accidents. A few nights later, you peed on your bed and came over and peed on our bed, then peed on the couch later that day. You peed your bed the next two nights too, so now you’re back on pullups at night.

This week in pictures…

Good morning to you too, j

Breakfast

We had a picnic and made Flower Pie while mama bootcamped

Then you found a 6-year old to play with

J dog walking services. I have j on one arm behind you and she likes to help carry the poopy bag. We’ve been walking Kimi together.

Fun with old friends

Trampoline

More trampoline

Electric car

Look what I got for free. My friend Ben ran a contest on Facebook: “Show me the coolest thing on Amazon.com under $20. If I pick it, I will buy one for you too.” I recommended something that was on my Wishlist for years — the Strandbeest:

Rubber shoes

Making the legs. Then you said, “You can keep building while I eat lunch.”

Crankshaft

Set of three legs

Body

Finished Strandbeest

Running makes wind for Strandbeest

What no sleep looks like

Sticks are fun

“Daddy, why did you eat all the ice cream?”

ZHWASHWA!

Reading for sis

Mama surprised you with a new dinosaur bed set. She heard you squealing and she thought something was wrong. We later found out that you were just excited.

Mama moved her support group to Tuesdays because you now have Bing on Monday. There were two new moms. Nine returning. The two new moms actually came on Monday because they hadn’t updated the schedule on the website. Apparently there were other moms who came on Monday. But even though mama missed the new ones, the transition for the regulars was smooth because she had compiled her email list before that. Some interesting things are happening in mama’s support group. She noticed moms exchanging info. They talked about setting up a breastfeeding play date, like at a park. They wanted to join mama’s Facebook group. She’s proud to see the community aspect of it kindling.

Meanwhile, because mama has so many moms now, I usually have to come over to babysit:

I got bored so we improvised

Chair challenge

That’s a lot of pictures! Has it been that long since I last wrote? It must be, because I don’t think I’m taking as many pictures these days.

Biggest loser competition. After a few months, it’s finally over! Mama was neck and neck with another lady. She even tried to cut water weight during the last week. She wanted to win so bad I caught her with your Miralax in her hands. Did she win? Almost. She came in 2nd. Someone came in to win it from behind. She was on some “cleanse” diet that meant she ate barely anything for a whole week. Plus she was going to the gym and doing cardio every day. Mama consoled herself knowing that she needed the money more. She works part time and her partner is a school teacher. But mama is owning her success anyway. I asked, “Is that the best $60 you ever spent?” She didn’t have to think long. “Definitely.” She lost 30 pounds during the competition. If you count from her peak weight when she was carrying you two, she has lost a total of 60 pounds.

Love,

Dad

P.S. Summer break is over and you’re back at school. You’ve been dying to go back. You’ve changed a bit since the break too. You were reserved before, but these days when I come home, mama tells me about the new friends you made.

P.P.S. For historical reference:

P.P.P.S. – Mama had a chat. We’re thinking of buying a house in a year or two. The time is almost right.

Zzzzz good night