“Uncontrolled Rage”

Dear Terrible Two,

Ah… you were late, but you showed up anyway.

Imagine you’re a parent and this happens: you’re trying to get your toddler ready for school. You have to go to work soon, so you only have 30 minutes to get everyone dressed, walk the dog, pack the lunch box, wrangle toddler into car. Mama is nursing the baby. That means you’re in charge of the toddler. BUT suddenly… toddler wants mama and doesn’t want to leave to get ready. So toddler cries. And that makes baby cry. Which makes family dog cry.

What would you do?

By the way, Kimi the dog is not my offspring… so while I can bear you two crying, this dog’s wailing is unbelievably annoying. Luckily for her and unfortunately for me, I can’t strangle the spine out of her in front of you two.

What I just described is an ordinary, everyday scenario that can trigger a tantrum — “a manifestation of a loss of control and frustration that your child doesn’t have the capacity to deal with – yet.” Now, you are crying when you can’t have the littlest things. Not just crying. Falling face-first onto the floor, screaming, shredding your vocal cords and coughing until you can’t breathe. I would try to explain why we have to say No sometimes, like why you can’t run with scissors or why we must hold hands when we cross then street. You would listen, take a deep breath… and then you’ll scream louder.

I have lost my patience a few times. I have wanted to yell, “SHUT THE F*** UP!” in a booming voice so terrifying it would make you fear for your life. But that time, I caught myself and removed myself from the situation instead. Mama is always the more patient and compassionate one. She will hold you while you scream, until you calm down.

I’m writing this a few days after I’ve calmed down. Here are my notes from that night’s bedtime attempt:

I’m Still trying to process what happened. Mama tried to put you in bed. Then J2 cried. So mama brought J2 to sit with you in your room. You cried because mama had to hold J2 instead of you. And because you cried, J2 cried too. So I said if you cry, you’ll make J2 cry too. You cried even louder. You can’t stay here if you keep crying. You cried even louder, and started rolling around on the floor.

I was losing my patience so I said good night and left. I guess you calmed down eventually. Mama came to me saying you wanted me. I came back and you said, “Sorry daddy.” I was surprised, “Why?” (you were sitting up in bed) “I love you. It’s okay. I guess you were upset that I was upset.” I asked are you okay; you said yes.

Then, after lying in bed a little, you said you wanted mama. So I said let me see if J2 is eating. Mama left J2 in her bed and came. I stayed with J2. But J2 cried. Oh no… not again. But this time, you were nice enough to send mama back to take care of J2, so I swapped with mama. I gave you elephant and froggy to hug. You sighed as if you thought, “This will have to do, I guess.” You are a good big brother.

One thing that’s helped is visualization. Another time, you woke up crying because you wanted to climb into the bed with Julia. I reminded you the story of the birdy we saw the other day — we have to be quiet if we want to get close. If you make a loud sound you will surprise it. And he will fly away.
If you make a loud sound you will surprise the birdy, and he will fly away.

So I said, “Remember the birdy? The birdy with the orange body?” You said ya. It helped a little… For a few seconds, you lowered your voice. Then you went back to screaming and woke J2 up.

But that brings me to an idea I wanted to share. There is a lesson in everything. And often, an unrelated discovery can be the missing dot you need to connect something important later. Like the birdy. Had we not stopped to investigate the bird or squirrel, you wouldn’t have learned the cause and effect of being loud.

And like broken glass. This morning, mama was trying to take a shower. You were driving her crazy banging your toy on the shower door and mirror. Mama said stop but you laughed and continued. So I said, “Remember the broken glass at the park?” Remember we touched it and it was sharp? If you break the glass, it will fall all over the floor and it will be sharp. You can hurt your feet and your hands. Your smiled disappeared. “THIS IS GLASS!” You pointed at the shower door. “THIS IS GLASS!” You pointed at the closet mirror.

If we hadn’t taken the 15 minutes to investigate the broken glass at the park, you wouldn’t understand why breaking glass is bad. Lessons are everywhere – only if you keep an open mind. Let me remind you that there were other parents at the park. They all just picked up their kid and said “No don’t go there!” I was the only weirdo who said, Hmmm. Broken glass. Let’s take my 2-year-old there to see what he makes of it.

Speaking of tantrums, my phone broke, so there’s a week of no pictures or videos. How did my phone break? Well.. I got mad at Kimi, so I threw a ball at her. But I dropped my phone too. Once upon a time, mobile phones were indestructible. You could kick them across the room or run over them in a car and they’ll just laugh at you. These days, they’re made of glass.

Anyway, I tore it apart, tried to fix it. I was fuming at Kimi, but I did this to myself. Inside, I cursed that there aren’t any serviceable parts anymore. I gave up, grabbed my car keys and drove to the nearest Best Buy. But guess what –

They wouldn’t take my money! I had cash in hand. I was ready to buy. They didn’t want to sell me a phone! I said look… (showing the guy my broken phone)… this is broken. I want to buy a new phone. He gave me some story about how they are closing soon, and it’ll take them at least half an hour to set it up, bla bla this, bla bla that. I offered compromises: What about other models? What if I opened a new account? New number?

Nope. I drove home empty handed.

So eventually, I ended up purchasing a phone I didn’t want online. I had to buy it because they don’t make phones for me. They make phones for the masses. The masses want to play games, watch videos, use it for entertainment, etc. That requires a big screen. And big screens make big phones.

The first day or two I was in withdrawal. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Nothing to listen to in the car. Nothing to read on the go. But I decided a detox would do me some good. So I placed an order that would take a few days to deliver.

It’s interesting how much we try to pack into even our quiet moments. No time to hear ourselves think. And not having distractions handy shows you it’s okay. It’s okay to be quiet. It’s okay to hear yourself think. Things can wait.

Anyway, this whole buying experience was unsatisfying. I was confused. Getting a new toy is supposed to be fun! With today’s options, I had to pay more for shittier technology to get the phone I would like better. (Maybe I should have…)

OK. Rant over. Today’s lesson is anytime you rage, wait. When the steam blows off, take a second look. Where there is rage, there is also opportunity. Something triggered the rage. Something was missing a solution.

I’m in a better mood now. I gave you a bath yesterday (like every other day since J2 was born). I snapped out of my end-of-the-day crankiness for a little. I noticed what a big head you had. A little man with a big head. A big head with your own mind. And a big tummy. Your body’s muscular. Your proportions change every day. “What are you?” I don’t know. I don’t think of you as a person or a boy. Or even my son. I know you are all of that, but my relationship with you isn’t logical like that. You’re just you. And somehow I’d give you a bath, feel compelled to take care of you, no matter how much I don’t want to. Like this evening when you had a #2 while we were on our walk, and I had to carry you draped over my shoulder… the whole way back… breathing fumes from your diaper.

Love doesn’t exist. I don’t know what this is that makes me do dad things. But it’s not the Love I thought I knew growing, up or what everyone else tells you it is. This is a strange thing.

Funny conversations:

Mama to J2: It’s okay mama. You’re okay.
J to mama: Julie’s not a mama! Julie’s Julie!

J to me: I want to lie on you.
Me to J: You can’t lie on me I’m not a bed.
J to me: I’m a bed sheet.

Funny moments

As mama aptly described, you’re “It’s so cute how you’re anthropomorphizing your inanimate objects.” She said she kept hearing clanking sounds in your bed. She looked at me, “Does he still have his penguin cup?” Yup. Still holding the straw and smacking it against your bed each time you roll. You even took your penguin cup to bath with you. You asked for some soap for him. You gave him a cold water bath. Then you dried him with your towel. Then he had water inside, so we opened him and poured his water back in the bathtub. Best was after drinking your water and saying good night, you went back to the couch: “Penguin was waiting for me.”

You took him to bed with you.

Return to the end of the wall. We’ve since returned many times. We actually haven’t gone to the park once since you discovered the Wall. Every time, we explore something new. You like waiting for the train. We’ve also gone up the stairs to the bridge above. I told you that some trains go over, and some trains go under. You’ve also started to ask me to “talk about the letters” on the cars and trucks. “What’s that truck’s name?” T-O-Y-O-T-A. TOYOTA. “What’s that truck’s name?” H-O-N-D-A. HONDA.

And this one we might laugh at later but it was causing us some grief in the car today:

J: GROWL GROWL GROWL (copying Kimi vs Mailman)
(J2 starts crying)
Mama to J2: It’s okay mama. It’s just Joshua.
J to Mama: Julie’s not a mama! She’s Julie!
(J2 cries louder)
J to J2: Sorry Julie. (sings to soothe J2) A-B-C-D-E-F-G…
(J2 calms down at “…X-Y-and-Z. Now you know your…”)
Then J again: GROWL GROWL GROWL
(J2 cries again)
J to J2: Sorry Julie. Twinkle twinkle little star…

Peer pressure still works. Bedtime again. But you refused and said, “I’m going to see mama.” You paused with one hand on the door, halfway out. I knew that if you went to see mama, bedtime would be delayed by at least 30 to 60 minutes. I was determined to not let that happen. Thinking quick, I grabbed Elephant from your crib, then made a low voice like you do when you make Elephant talk, “Joshua… come to bed with me.” You stared at him. I picked up Bear and Froggy. “Come to bed J, we miss you… it’s bed time. It’s late. It’s night time. Come sleep with us…” You started talking to them, then you turned to tell me what you were talking about. Then you asked me to put you in bed. You slept hugging Elephant. Crisis averted.

Thinking many more steps ahead. Your logic is many levels deep. Mama bought you a new water bottle with trucks on it. After you drank from it in bed, this is w hat you said to me: “I am going to close it. So it doesn’t spill. So I can look at it in my bed.” You don’t think that’s amazing? Think about it a little: you could have said, “I want to look at it.” But, you figured that you had to keep it in your bed to look at it. Then you anticipated my objection about you keeping it in your bed. Then you devised a solution that I might agree with. Then you proposed your solution to me, instead of a question. You’re only 2! This also means that when you get upset at something, it’s often not something immediate. It’s usually something 5 steps ahead you want, and you are mad because we’re blocking you at step 0.

Guess what mama has been up to! These two pictures are fun to take out of context:

Morning daycare letters to mama…

Another fast drop off

He was quiet on the way to school because he had his bagel. He asked for his water, so he was happily eating and drinking and eating and drinking by himself in the back.

When we got to the parking lot, he said he wanted to park in the different parking lot. He wanted to see the car with a bump on the side. I explained again that we only go there if there’s no space in the closer one. If there’s space in the closer one, we park closer. He doesn’t reject that anymore. So we pull into the closer lot. A car was coming out. “A car is moving daddy!” Yes J, we have to take turns. He is coming out, and we are going in.

On the way to class, we ran into Ms Sue and Ms Ditte. I asked where is Ms Ditte going? He said she’s on her break.

GOOD MORNING FRIENDS. Arjun dropped a toy. J started talking in jibberish and squirmed his way from my arms to the ground. He pulled out his chair and sat down. They gave him another little bagel for breakfast. I went to put his things away and Ms Marissa handed me a letter and explained that the fees have gone up. She reminded me about the Fiesta.

I missed half of what Ms Marissa wanted to tell me, because J turned around and shouted, “ABIYOYO DADDY! ABIYOYO SONG! CAN YOU SAY ABIYOYO?” Then Natalie ran over to give me a fire truck and said “VRROOOM” Then J says another song is coming on.

I brought J his milk. J says, “Can you stand close to the snake’s eyes daddy?” I go and stare at the snake and J laughs. Then Natalie comes over and says in a low voice like J’s froggy voice, “JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA”. So I say “NATALIE NATALIE NATALIE NATALIE” and she laughs and J laughs too. Then walks closer and closer while saying “JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA” and she raises her hand that has a car in it. I wasn’t sure if she was going to hit me so I close one eye.

She went vrooom and rolled the car all over me… my shoulder, my head, my back… then she asks,”TIKELISH?” Then she went over to J and did the same and J giggled.

I hugged J and kissed him and said good bye but he was still giggling with Natalie. So I said “Have fun you guys” and left. On my way out I saw the two of them talking and pointing and walking somewhere together.

Call the cops – I got a text from mama: “2 people shot almost in front of Joshua’s school. I heard lots of helicopters and checked the news. There was even SWAT there!!”

Oh yea I forgot to mention there were two streets on the right of Duane blocked off. Fire truck, multiple police cars, police tape blocking off one street.

BTW J was a little clingy this morning. He needed many hugs but I could get him to sit down. He didn’t want to eat though. He only calmed down when I engaged his mind with something.

I gave him the alphabet puzzle and went through every piece. Then he grabbed it from me and read me each letter. I stuck around a little longer today to interact with the environment so he sees what’s going on around him.

Then I saw Ms Marissa approach him because she saw he was having trouble today. So I took the chance to say bye, hugged him and kissed him and I said, “Have fun with Ms Marissa!” He was okay.

As I was near the door I saw Ms Ditte come over to talk to J. She persuaded him to put the alphabet puzzle back to the table behind him because the table behind him was the “puzzle table” and he was sitting on the “eating table”. He nodded as Ms Ditte took the puzzle from, and he went back to talking with Ms Marissa.

The other night, you suddenly recalled a memory from almost a year ago: “Do you remember the museum?” Why, yes. “Do you remember the big butterfly, up high, up the stairs? Do you remember the fire truck?” I filled in the blanks: Do you remember the ambulance? “Where?” At the museum. Do you remember the elephant? “Where?” Outside the museum. “Do you remember the dinosaur? We go up the stairs and we can see the dinosaur.” I do! Do you remember the tunnel with the stars? “WHERE!?” At the museum. The tunnel is under the stairs. You go in next to the blue balls, and you come out on the other side. “NEXT TO THE DINOSAUR! Do you remember the letters? You can open them and you can see things inside.” Yes I do. Next to the window, and the tree, squirrels and bunny. “WHERE?!” At the museum…

I thought it was an interesting glimpse at how your memory worked.

Love,

Dad

P.S. – J2: big progress. Here you are grabbing my finger, looking pretty with mama and holding your body up at tummy time.

P.P.S. –

P.P.P.S. – It was hard to write this week. I was being very toxic to myself and all of you around me. But I pulled it together and did it! Sometimes when you don’t want to do something, you can make a deal with yourself: nibble at the smallest piece possible. Something tiny tiny tiny, just so you can get going. Just do it. You don’t have to get it perfect. Just get going!