“Daddy, can you talk about the train?”

Dear J,

You went on your first train ride last week! I’d tell you about it, but I have something better this time: I’ll let you tell you about it! Video at the end.

Instead, for this week, I have a series of stories from me to your mom. I write her a short email almost every morning to tell her how our drop-offs went. Particularly, about how you are growing up and getting better about saying goodbye…

1. Daddies cannot stay at Starfish

As usual, as we were leaving the house, he said, “I don’t want to go to school.”

When we arrived, he spotted Ryan going in with his dad. He asked, “Where did Ryan go?” I said I think they went inside. “Let’s go see.”

When I was signing in, I touched his head on the lanterns. Then he said, “Daddy can you touch the lantern with your head too?” So we touched all the lanterns with our heads. Then he said, “THERE’S RYAN!”

He put all his things away by himself today. He carried his lunchbox to the fridge. Then he waited for me to unzip it, so he could put his milk away. I zipped it back up, and he put it in his cubby.

He was walking more confidently around by himself today. He went over to the table, checked out the bread, decided he didn’t want it. Then I pointed him to Jaya playing with blocks. He went past her to the bin of cars and trains.

Jayden came over and said “TRAIN TRACKS!” and started building. Joshua dug through the bin asking, “WHERE’S THE YELLOW CAR?” I kept showing him yellow cars but he said NO NOT THAT ONE.

Ryan’s dad comforted Ryan as he was leaving. I pointed to J that see, daddies have to go. Ryan’s daddy is making him feel better. He will feel better soon. Ryan was sad, but then he came to play cars with us.

He accepts that I have to leave now. In the beginning, he will say “Stay with me a little bit.” Then when I say I have to go, I say “I’m going to hug you tight.” He hugs me tight back, I kiss him and tell him I love him. Then he turns away.

Today he walked away and went back to his cars. He didn’t need to be picked up by any of the teachers. He didn’t turn to look back at me as I was leaving. I guess that’s how he prefers to deal with it.

2. The power of Loss Aversion (demonstrated by a 2-year-old)

As we were driving to school today, J shouts, “PENGUIN! IT FELL!”

Then he started to cry. “DADDY PICK IT UP! IT FYLL! WAAAAAAAAAAA TO THE SYEDEEEE! AAAAAAAAAAA”

His eyes were closed, his mouth was forced upside down like a frog. I tried to get him to calm down. I said I’m driving now, I will help you when we stop. I can’t go to the back when the car is moving. Everything I said made him cry even louder.

I said it’s okay, it’s only one piece. You have SO MUCH in your orange cup. Open your eyes! Look at your orange cup! In your right hand! Put your hand in your orange cup!

His orange cup had two fistfuls of Penguins left. But he was so overcome with grief over the one that fell to the side of his car seat… that it didn’t matter how much he had in the cup. He wanted THAT ONE.

And that’s the “loss aversion” cognitive bias at work – we value something we lose more than something we gain, even if they are the same value. Or in this case, even if they are 20 times the value of what was lost.

So the only thing I could think of that could counter this effect was by applying the same effect on something else: the orange cup in his hands. I said, “Are you done with your orange cup?” He stopped crying. “If you don’t want to eat any more penguins from your cup, you can give it to me.”

“No daddy, please don’t take my orange cup.” But now he stopped crying. It seemed to have worked. I reset the scale so that he valued both things equally: the one piece he dropped, and the cup in his hands. Because now he stood the chance to lose both, so he valued both equally.

He was still upset, but he wasn’t crying anymore. He was okay waiting. When we got to school, I unclipped his belts. Before I could get him out of the seat to look for the piece, he pulled his hand from under his butt and said, “DADDY I FOUND IT.” He ate it like it was the most delicious Penguin in the world. And of course, because I reset the value of his cup, he didn’t want to leave that in the car like he usually does. So he brought it to Starfish.

Anyway drop off was good again. He helped me put things away, I pointed him to what all his friends were doing. We chatted with Raz about bagels, hot, daddy dropping her off, mommy picking her up, like Joshua, Jayden’s a big sister, Jaya is making a tower, and so on.

First time, I said I have to go soon, but I’ll stay with you a little bit. Then I walked around the class. He would call me a few times, and I would answer and smile. And he would go back to eating. Finally, I said okay, I have to go. I hugged him tight, said I love you, kissed him and said byebye.

This time, as I was leaving, he was “together” enough to look at me. I waved and gestured like I was touching the lanterns. Raz waved back with a smile on her face, “BYE BYE!”

3. “I’m going to hug you tight. You’re going to be alright”

Good drop off again today.

He barely needed any help from me. He helped me put things away, I showed him the snack table, he sat down. Then I pointed him to everything going on around him: said hi to Raz, Natalie, Jaya… pointed at the blocks on the table… showed them painting… talked to his friends… and he was okay.

He said “Stay with me a little bit.” So I said okay, but I reminded him I had to go. I stood next to him while he was sitting, then occasionally wandered around the room away from him. After a while, I went back to say it’s time for me to go now. He said again “Daddy stay with me a little bit?” And I reminded him that I already stayed a little bit, and it’s time for me to go. I said you were going to pick you up with J2, you can talk to your friends about the train, etc.

Then I said, “I’m going to hug you tight.” I kissed him, said I loved him and said byebye. He hugged back, accepted it, then stayed sitting at the table.

I walked to the door, and he was just looking around at his friends. It wasn’t until the teachers said, “BYE AARON” that he looked at me. He saw me waving at him and he was okay.

4. “Our mommies and daddies drop us off and pick us up too!”

J wanted to walk today. He asked me to put him down outside. Then he asked me to give him his lunchbox.

Instead of asking me to help him jump to touch the lanterns, he said he wanted to hold his lunchbox. He asked me to touch the lanterns for him instead.

We ran into Ms Sue on the way in. She was happy to see him. J was being coy.

When we got to Starfish, we said HELLO EVERYONE. GOOD MORNING EVERYONE. Then he said he wanted to put his lunchbox away. But he saw a bagel on the table, so he handed his lunchbox to me. “Daddy go put it away!” And he sat down.

A few seconds later he turned and yelled, “DADDY!” I said I was putting his things away, and he smiled and went back to eating.

He was more confident today. So I didn’t stick too close to him. I pointed him to Jaya playing with the blocks… Max eating dirty water from an interactive thing they put out today… Another daddy coming and leaving… Jayden bringing Jaya’s bottle for her… Jaya’s bottle is the same as his, but hers is black with a red button and his is blue with a yellow button…

Then I explained that daddies cannot stay at starfish, I have to go in a little bit. Then Natalie asked, “Why do you have to go?” And I explained to her too that daddies cannot stay at Starfish. Only children. Then Raz said, “My Mommy’s coming to pick me up!” And I said, “Joshua’s mommy’s picking him up too!” Then Natalie said, “MY MOMMY is picking me up too!”

Then I hugged J and he said, “Daddy hug me very tight?” I hugged and kissed him and I asked him to hug me and kiss me and he did. Then I left and waved by. He looked at me a few times. He didn’t get off his chair and he didn’t cry. He wasn’t looking when I stepped out the door. I touched the lanterns on the way out anyway in case he was looking.

He didn’t need any help from the teachers today!

5. Mr Big Bossman

He said he wanted to help me take the diapers in. I said take the wipes, I’ll take the diapers. He said “I want to take the diapers.”

So I put the big sack in his arms, put him in my arm, and pick up his wipes and lunchbox.

Earlier, we were talking about Bus is big and heavy. Can daddy pick up a bus? No! Can Joshua pick up a bus? No! We went through everyone, but when he asked, “Can mommy pick up a bus?” He said “YES!” Then I said no, mama cannot pick up a bus…

So I asked can Joshua pick up the diapers? He giggled and said YES! Can Joshua pick up a bus? No! Giggle Giggle.

I bumped his head on all the lanterns on the way in again. He likes that.

When we got there, we said GOOD MORNING FRIENDS. Hello Ms Gina Hello Ms Ditte. They smiled and said HELLO JOSHUA. He hopped off my arm and said I need to put my diapers in my cubby. He found his cubby, “J-O-S-H-U-A” and slid his diapers in. They don’t go in all the way. That’s okay. I put his wipes in there too.

Next we unpacked his lunchbox. He grabbed his milk from me and started drinking. He showed me where to put his lunchbox. I asked him if we can put the milk in the fridge; he said no. We saw Jaya drawing with crayon on the table in front of the fridge.

Then Ms Gina said let’s go for potty trip! He gave me his milk and pointed to the fridge. Then he ran to my leg and said “Daddy can you come with me for Potty Trip?” I said No, Potty Trip is only for children, daddies cannot go. He said “Ya…” like he already knew the answer. He didn’t fuss but he kept hugging me.

Ms Ditte came over and said “Let’s go Joshua.” He grabbed her hand and just walked away. And I didn’t even say bye yet! So I chased after him and gave him a hug and a kiss and said I YUV YOU but he ignored me. He said to Ms Ditte, “I HAVE NEW DIAPERS.” Then he helped Ms Ditte unpack and label them.

He was very confident today.

6. “Daddy! I went on the potty trip! 4 times!”

We got to school just in time – Ms Gina was starting the train to the potty trip.

She asked J: “Want to go to the potty trip?” Joshua said YEAAA and ran into the classroom. He was carrying his lunchbox for me. He didn’t have time to unpack it. He stuffed it in his cubby and ran to Ms Ditte. Then grabbed his diaper. Then out the door.

I stayed in the classroom to unpack his lunchbox. After he was outside, he noticed I wasn’t with him. He looked into the classroom window. I waved bye and stepped back from the window. I didn’t want to hold him back because the potty train was already leaving.

I peeked to see what he was up to. He was standing against the wall next to the door, looking at his friends play in the toy house. Ms Gina was trying to get them back in line. He seemed to be okay. Maybe just dealing with his feelings.

So I ran to unpack his lunchbox and put his milk in the fridge. I ran back to see if I could catch him before he left to hug and kiss him. When I opened the door, I only managed to catch a glimpse of him sprinting through the gate – in the air with one hand forward and the other hand holding his diaper trailing in the wind.

Meanwhile, mama sends me a text from back home: “Julia pwned mama. I got one-shotted by her poop cannon X) My dress, my leg, my hands/arms, the bed sheet, the mattress protector and 2 diapers lol. Laundry and bath time!”

7. “I don’t want to go to school. I want to get in the car and go to a different place today.”

Mondays are always tough. I don’t blame you. You spend two weekend days with us full of fun, then we tell you that you can’t stay with us today. And you have to go to that imagination-crushing factory instead.

I tried to give you a bigger picture today. I hoped it would help. It even has a “Loss aversion” element in it, if you can spot it. Today I said that if you don’t go to school, you will be at home alone. Because daddy has to go to work. And mommy has to go to work. Then you repeated it, “If I don’t go to school, I will stay at home alone. And I will be sad. I will not be able to go to the park.”

Nevertheless, dropping you off still rips raw chunks off my heart every day…

We followed Max in. “Max is wearing a green shirt.”

We put our things away. He took his milk out and I showed him the play-do on a table. Only Jayden was there at first. I showed J how to flatten a piece, then stamp it. First we did the duckie stamp. Then I showed him how to fold it, then flatten it.

Next we did a flower stamp. Again, fold it, flatten it. He was still suckling his milk bottle, grunting and gesturing and playing one-handed. Soon, more kids gathered – Jaya, Raz, Maxie, Natalie.

Then, J found the CAR STAMP. He gave me his milk. He stamped it folded it, smashed it down. Then stamped it again. “I’m making a TRUCK now!” Then he pulled the stamp off with one hand, and held the play-do down with the other. Natalie and Raz made snakes. Jayden made a whole row of snakes and said, “YAAAY I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF.” Max tried to eat his piece. Natalie was sad because she came late and had no play-do. Then she tried to steal everyone else’s stamp. J didn’t want to let go of his car stamp.

Eventually, I said I had to go to work. J got sad. “Daddy stay with me for a little bit.” I said a little bit. He nodded. A while later, I said I had to go, gave him the usual tight hug and kiss and I YUV YOU. He didn’t hug back. He looked down and said “Daddy stay with me a little bit?” I said bye and walked away. He didn’t cry. He just wrestled with his feelings.

Halfway to the door, he said, “DADDY!” I waved and smiled and said byebye. He looked sad but he was handling it. Almost to the door, he said “DADDY!” again. I smiled and waved again. He glanced at Ms Marissa next to him, then looked back at his play-do. I left and peeked through the window one last time. He was okay. Sad, but he was trying to be a big boy.

Rain at the park

It was drizzling one evening. Instead of staying at home, I grabbed our hats. I put yours on and then I put mine on. When we got to the park, the rain got heavier. All the kids left. We stayed. The rain was wimpy and it was a learning opportunity. I decided to teach you about Wet, Dry, and Shade:

We learned how rain makes everything wet. And slippery. You really wanted to ride the swing, but the little bucket ones were pooled up with mud. So we went to check the big kids ones. I said let’s go wipe it dry. You ran with me to get some paper towels from the restroom. We wiped it, you sat on it, and you swung with a big smile. Later, we tried to play on the other things we normally do. You learned how wet makes things different. It made the ladders slippery. You said, “We have to wipe it!” I laughed and said, no… we can’t wipe the whole park.

But you know, I’m impressed. You got it. You got what shade is. And although I taught you using Rain, you understand that Shade works for the Sun too.

We’re starting to make many friends at the park. Kimi attracts them. Usually she barks at them, but whenever a kid is patient and interested enough to meet her, I show them how. I tell them that Kimi barks because you’re a stranger. I tell them to make themselves small, and let Kimi sniff them. These 2 brother and sister did just that, and now they’re so in love with Kimi that they come to the park every evening hoping to meet her. You call the girl “that girl I don’t know her name Kimi’s friend.” You like her. You asked her to push you on the swing. When I offered to push you so she could play with Kimi, you said “NO DADDY NO!” (By the way, we finally found out that her name is Han.)

The irony: sitting next to J2 in the car, you tell her: “Julia don’t cry it hurts my ears.”

Interesting language development: You usually say sentences in full, like “Some cars have a wheel on the back, some cars do not have a wheel in the back.” Every time I’ve shortened it, you have corrected me to use the full sentence. But last week, you said, “Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.” I don’t know enough about child development to know what this means. I just sense there’s something impressive going on here, because you abstracted nouns/subjects/predicates into words like “do” and “don’t”.

Oh I got an unexpected call from an old friend. Uncle Jardy is a dancer we used to take classes from. I didn’t know how to dance before I met him. After I met him, I started dancing House. I ran into mama for the first time at an underground event in San Jose. I think had I not met Jardy, I would not have met your mom.

Anyway… he called to tell me I was right. I had set some thing in motion for him almost 2 years ago. But he bailed for whatever personal reason. I told your mom, give him 2 years. He’ll be back. Because we all need to find our “reason.” Money is not a good reason. Lao Tzu said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” And guess what. Jardy fell in love. He said he wants to pick up where we left off.

Mama asked what happens next? I said, give him another 6 months 🙂 He is a perfectionist who needs time. And a fire under his ass, which he will either find if they get pregnant, or he talks about it long enough with his girlfriend that there is nothing left to do to spare him from embarrassment but just doing it. The best part of this news for me is I now might have a new friend who cares about “these things.” And trust me, they’re rare. Most people just want to collect paychecks (or welfare), whine about capitalism, and liquefy their brains in front of the TV.

Update about Mama’s project: the San Jose Mercury News photographer came to take pictures on Wednesday. They had a photoshoot in J2’s room. J2 was asleep but he was very reluctant to take breastfeeding pictures anyway. So they got some of mama on the rocking chair, changing diapers, etc. Mama sent them some breastfeeding pictures in case they wanted some for their story. Oh, that’s right. I don’t know if you remember, but this is for the breastfeeding article that mama will be in. A science writer asked a mom mailing list for interviews with moms with experience breastfeeding. Our story idea was that mama, despite being a lactation consultant, has trouble just like anyone else. The idea is to humanize her and allow readers to form a more personal connection with her. In summary the pitch is, “We are all human. Even doctors have problems. And I’m not too proud to admit it. I understand that even with all the right tools and information, we still struggle. Sometimes we need something more than tools and information. Here’s what helped me. Maybe it’ll help you too. If you need more help, get in touch with me at XXX-XXX-XXXX or email XXX@XXXXX.com).

Besides, why pass up any chance to be in the news? 🙂 As a side note, this science article production moves at a much slower pace than the Breaking News department. There’s more bureaucracy. It has been many weeks now. I’m curious to see how the piece turns out.

Love,

Dad

P.S. – The train ride has become a secret weapon that makes everything easier. All we have to say is, “Do you want to talk about the train?” Potty time, bath time, bedtime, anything. Your eyes pop out of your head; you forget to blink — you’ll drop everything so you can ask us, “Daddy, can you talk about the train?”

This is another example of the golden key of communication: it doesn’t matter HOW you say it, what matters most is WHAT you say. If you want to get someone to pay attention, first find out what he/she is most interested in right now. Then start by talking about that.

P.P.S. – You learned how to play tag. Now that Kimi has gotten friendly with a few kids, more kids want to get to know her. The other day, I had 5 children following us around playing with Kimi. Meanwhile, you went up the play structure alone. I thought it was good you felt confident enough. Some kids happen to be playing tag there too. Bigger kids. You were the littlest. You just stood by the bridge, observing. At one point, they closed in around you as they were running and you freaked out. Your face melted into tears. I hopped up there to pick you up. The kid who was “it” tagged one of the kids who’s friends with Kimi and us. Seeing that you were upset, he said “I don’t want to play anymore.” And so everyone stopped playing. I think in a few weeks, we’re going to be friends with everyone at the playground:

P.P.P.S. – Since you have mastered the days of the week, I’m starting to teach you how to tell the time. I stuck a red star on the hour hand of our clock. And we make a point to point out the time when we do our daily things.

P.P.P.P.S – We’re going to the farmer’s market again tomorrow! I gotta sleep soon. We’re waking up early.

Tonight, you learned that when you wear sunglasses at night, “I cannot see things”: